Sorry..

I'm sorry dad

I was an easy child

But not easy enough for you

Your rage still terrifies me

You are softer now

But I never know what version I'm getting

…

All I wanted was

To make you proud

You admitted you were hard on me

Because I'm a man

And men are to be stoic, strong

Unshakable

…

In doing so

You broke me

I became a coward

Too afraid of myself

To be myself.

…

You never taught me how to shave

To use power tools

To fix my truck

To help the less fortunate

How to respect women

How to respect my mom

…

I had to learn this all on my own

I became independent because of it

Nothing can stop me now

If I need to fix it

I will fix it

If I need to figure it out

I will figure it out

…

You only taught me directed rage

And hard work

So I work hard

I work til I can't anymore

I work til my hands bleed

I work on weekends

I grind til my teeth grind

I never say no to work

…

All I want to hear is you're proud

All I want is for you to participate without being asked

I remember you asked if you had to come to my graduation

As if my success was a burden

…

I understand you don't like people

But part of showing up is going to things you don't care to

You didn't come to my concerts

My plays

My track meets

You would hear of my success on the sidelines

And that's really about it

You did come to my graduation though

But we still don't have a picture together

Typical men I guess

..

I love you

..

I'm sorry mom

I know i wasn't good enough for you

I rebelled

But I didn't have you

I didn't have tenderness

I had fear

I had a mom who couldn't show up for herself

…

You didn't show up to most things either

You were too busy

With your friends

Smoking dope and making music

…

You broke my heart over and over

Breaking promises

Getting mad at me

for your shortcomings

You solidified my dad's misogynistic views

If my own mother cannot be there

And love me when she is

Then what woman ever will?

…

You blamed me for all your shortcomings

You being home didn't mean good things

It meant catering to your needs

To your hurts

And getting yelled at for not being grown up at 12

I understand now

But it doesn't make it any better

…

You never feel genuine

It all feels like a performance

It always has

I hate it

I know you. I know what you love. I know you better than I think you know yourself

And it all feels

fake.

…

Even still

All I really wanted was to make you proud

Instead i fell apart

Failed relationships

Failed at tenderness

Failed at sweetness

All i want

is for you to be proud

and feel like it's real

..

I love you

I love you both

But sometimes I don't love that you had me and my sister

Because

Now I have my mother's sorrow

My father's rage

..

At least I have my own determination

To never let my kids

Or the future generation, if i don't have kids

Feel the same way I did

…

Thank you for reading! I tend to write about healing, philosophy, depression and love, but really I write whatever seems to come to me. If this sounds interesting please consider subscribing below

When I get to 1000 subscribers I am doing an oil change with the big gel nails on a live stream. I will show you how to do it, and struggle very much. During said live stream I will be running a QR code to a womens charity of some sort. It will be researched and make sure it's going to the right place. I will also be donating that month's paid subs to said charity.