Unbecoming

Tell me what you know about dreaming? You don't really know nothing. Tell me what you know about night terrors every night. 5 am throwing sweats, waking up to the sky -Kid Cudi, Pursuit of Happiness

I don't have a lot of pictures of myself when I was with the friend mentioned but this was around 2018

If there is anything I miss

It's the long summer nights

Acting wreckless

Doing what we weren't supposed to

Running from our problems

°

Rolling down old dirt roads, listening to tunes and sipping beers and smoking joints

Avoiding cops at all costs

It's easy when theres more forgotton dirt roads than highways

Hanging out by the windmills or the low bridge crossing

Part of it was boredom, part of it was trying to run from ourselves

°

When we got back

Drinking til the sun rises

In that musty old shop

That smells like hard work, busted knuckles, and diesel fuel

Cigarettes and stale beer

Laughing in the unfinished loft

With that fridge from the 50s which kept beers cold even when you forgot to shut the door

Whisky and beer flowing

Unbecoming

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Sometimes the shop would be too much, and we would drink in that old house my friends grandma used to live in

It stood still in time

China cabinets still full

Old yellowed plastic and porcelain in the bathroom

Old couches from the 70s

Peeling linoleum everywhere

And the chair lift still on the steps

Stuck in time just like we were stuck in our ways

°

We would also drink with my buddies mom

She enabled all of us

Would buy us beer, cigarettes and dope so she didn't have to sit by herself

She too was lonely, but she'd never admit it

Often times she was drinking a vodka drink of some sort herself

And on occasion she'd smoke a joint with us too

But she also listened to us

Understood us

Let us be rowdy

Let us burn our own bridges

And understood our battles

Took them as her own

If anyone wronged you she'd be the first to make it right

When I wasn't at my buddies farm, school, or working I would be with my cousin in his mom's basement

One small window

Watching Trailer Park Boys

Or listening to music

Going for a quick rip in that old BMW

Or my ex cop car

To get coffee, snacks, beer. More weed

Truly holding down what family means

Being there for eachother when things went down

Drinking cheap beer like our lives depended on it

Finishing every one like we wouldn't see the next day

He's still like a brother to me

But it's different now that we're older

We no longer escape the way we used to

°

Back then we would all drink our sorrows away

And talk of what our futures held

Dreams we had

Smoke from the cigarettes and dope hanging in the air

Like the laughter and the hope that our future was brighter than our past

Being broken together was better than being alone

Avoiding accountability

And really anything we could

°

My buddies got more into the drugs and I stepped away from them

Ironically I wasn't much different than they were in hindsight

I too ended up dabbling in some of them. Mostly mushrooms, mdma and occasionally coke

It's probably good I didn't get into it early though

°

Their mom passed while things were tense between us

I was supposed to carry her casket

And as much as that was 9 years ago it still holds heavy in my heart. As much as she enabled us, she was there for me more than my own mother was

°

Some days I wish I could go back

And I have tried

But it isn't the same

°

I cannot go back cause nobody is there

And I never could truly escape myself

The things I enjoyed would no longer be fun

The wreckless stunts, the crazy games..

And the friends I spiraled with are no longer the same

We change.

Some friends got further into their addictions

Ended up on the streets

Couple people I was acquainted to overdosed and died

Thank god none of them were super close to me

But that is still another broken human soul

Just as I was

°

Some got married, baptized and turned their lives around

Some just grew up

°

My cousin is still my best friend

But we are both much different than we were even 5 years ago

I've chosen sobriety

He hasn't, and I worry about him

But he sees me and encourages me on the path I am headed

Whereas others try to drag me back down with them

And abandoned me when I bettered myself

°

I miss those crazy days

I wish I could relive them

Without the pain

Just me and the boys

Wreckless and carefree

But we are adults now

The world has changed

And the past is no longer there

So I have to let it go.

What did your crazy days look like? Do they hold some nostalgia like mine did?

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