Crushing wave

Grief and healing are never linear. Often times I find myself overcome by a sadness that I cannot put my finger on. I am doing well, I have found ways to work through it, but it still gets me.

At times something comes over me

Like a summer storm

From calm and sunny

To lightning, wind and rain.

…

I cannot figure out what it is

Or why it is

Or where it came from

…

It is like a crushing wave

Pulling me under the water and holding me down with chains

Letting me breathe just enough that I can survive but I feel suffocated

Ripping my arms from the sockets with every crashing wave

And tearing my positivity from me like a rabid animal

Maybe it is the numbness from the grief, maybe it's more than one thing, but often I can not figure out why I feel so blue.

…

It whispers to me venomous lines of self pity and hatred until I eventually succumb. The whispers feel more like screaming

Like both the sound of silence, and the screech of an eagle

It shakes me like an earthquake

Like the foundation I have built for myself is getting shaken until it crumbles into dust..

…

I can feel it in my chest first

Slowly working it’s way through my body in waves until I refuse to move.

…

I know I'm better than these thoughts. I know I'm not my feelings. I can even consciously think positive thoughts

But my subconscious refuses to cooperate

…

I look in the mirror and I don't see myself

I see my failures

I see lost time

I feel small, weak, behind

Weird. Creepy?

I feel ugly, broken.

Hopeless

…

I can think about it rationally

But I feel so alone

I feel like a bad person

Surrounded by people that love me.

That tell me I'm incredible

…

It doesn't make sense

The day was fine

I am fine

And it just comes over me

…

Thing is, we cannot control these things at times

We can do our best

Eat healthy, work out, be mindful of our thoughts

But sometimes shitty days exist

And sometimes they feel like they have no reason or rhyme

Often times it is because we cannot see what is tearing us apart..

I was depressed for almost a decade, I'm bound to have days. My brain is so used to pumping cortisol and blocking serotonin that sometimes it falls back on it.

My brain is so used to cheap dopamine that when I cannot provide it with a hit it spirals downwards

It's part of being human,

And part of feeling deeply

…

Sometimes you cannot name it in the heat of it

Sometimes you cannot name it at all

You gotta sit with it

Let it work through you

It doesn't always have to make sense.

Just get through it.

Sometimes survival is tough, even when you don’t fully understand what you are surviving..

It is much like the summer storm

Or a hurricane

It will pass, and the sun will shine

So sit with it.

And when it has passed

Enjoy the fact that you are human and that you have a range of emotions, even if it hurts sometimes..

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